Tuesday, November 4, 2008 played with fire at
A blog's for crapping about on what you feel right? lol~ i've never been good in a whole lot of things...Well for starters, I've never really thought heving relationships with anyone, although I have had a few crushes here and there, and yes I do kinda have feelings for someone at the moment but likewise, timing isn't right and it won't be for a long time...well I do know that i like her but just the fear of relationships I've seen and heard just scares me. plus this "curse" also, might put her in harm's way and worrying about my family is already bad enough...not to say that it CAN harm anyone else besides me but there were some happenings which still weren't solid enough that I could actually do somthing about it if I really put in enough effort...weather in negative or positive stuff...and so I don't want to have an addition to the number. So there are still a number of things that I have to take control before I actually start a relationship...sounds lame but yes I'd rather be called lame then have something bad happen then considering the change that thing is happening in me already.
A part from that, my other problems I still haven't face yet is the fear of friendship. Well as you all know, I never had any good experience in Sedaya at all.
When I first started secondary school, I had a really bad start not knowing that most people in my badge were all popular-wannabes. So I ended up following my sister like I was her shadow. When she left school, I really had big problems dealing with the new people cause obviously, they just turned up being the followers of those 'popular' group. So I can say I was alone the whole way from form 3 to form 5~ During those 3 years, I thought I developed a very small number of friendships like one of this senior of mine. lol He really was good at backstabbing people and keeping a mask in front of everybody. Like I mentioned before in the previous posts, he did mentioned that I was one of his close friends...back then, I really believed it...thinking now, who in the right mind would call someone they RARELY talk to the previous year, and then the first 2 weeks of school of the year after that, a close friend...cause for me, calling someone a close friend, at least get to know them real well, then a least a few months or more if you have to, then you can consider someone a close friend. this? call me a close friend then ditch me for god-knows-what reason you have.
Thing was, when I came to college, I happen to meet someone that knew him as well...aih~ what luck = =. He was okay...then he stoped college and then arranging meetings that he inconveniently have to cancel at the very last minute, and then miss call me, and never reply to my messages at all = =..wasted a few credits there.
So from there I started to develop this kind of 'gap' for anyone who's a stranger and anyone whom i just met and not close with. It's not that I want to but it's like an automatic thing I have which i really want to get rid of it. Main reason is that I really do want to have great friends and meet new people. Hi bye or the ones that'll stay for a long time. And because of this problem, I nearly lost a good friendship if weren't for a few people that encouraged me to fix that problem and likewise, my motivation to change for the better...
Another fear that i have is the fact that we're all not gonna be walking on the same path the whole way. thing is, no matter what we do or how hard we try, we are gonna take our different roads. Then we'll be too busy to actually say hi to each other or we'll go to some other place which happens to be too far and without knowing or realising it...forget...and walk like we were never a part of each other's life. I hate that T T.
Yes, among all the fears I have, these two fears are the worse ones I have. Relationship and Friendship...looked so simple from my point of view...why is it so hard to comprehand then?
whoa all in 30 minutes...
11/04/2008 01:56:00 PM
